My father died surrounded by his family, in a hospital critical care unit. We held his hands as a hospital chaplain sang a hymn. His death was peaceful. My wife’s mother was also with a loved one – her oldest daughter – when she passed. Her death was not planned; it just happened while my sister-in-law was visiting.
Purportedly, death is easier and more dignified when your friends and family are present, even if you are not in a condition to realize it. I read in the news that KISS guitarist, Ace Frehley and Black Sabbath lead singer Ozzy Osbourne, both died surrounded by family. It seems almost every obituary I read makes a point to say the person died surrounded by a loving family. Not everyone will be so lucky, however.
Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) Health News wrote about the fact that as more people grow old alone, they are likely to die alone:
It’s something that many older adults who live alone — a growing population, more than 16 million strong in 2023 — wonder about. Many have family and friends they can turn to. But some have no spouse or children, have relatives who live far away, or are estranged from remaining family members. Others have lost dear friends they once depended on to advanced age and illness.
More than 15 million people 55 or older don’t have a spouse or biological children; nearly 2 million have no family members at all.
The entire notion begs the question: why does it matter? (more on that below) For some people drawing on the companionship of family may make their death easier. For others, they may be unconscious, or it may happen without notice. My mother died in her sleep in a nursing home bed. Her mother’s death was similar. More from KFF Health News:
Who will be there for these solo agers as their lives draw to a close? How many of them will die without people they know and care for by their side?
Unfortunately, we have no idea: National surveys don’t capture information about who’s with older adults when they die. But dying alone is a growing concern as more seniors age on their own after widowhood or divorce, or remain single or childless, according to demographers, medical researchers, and physicians who care for older people.
My wife and I are both the youngest in our respective families. We are likely to be the last to died. Our nieces and nephews live far away. We have no offspring so coordinating deaths will possibly fall on strangers.
For many people, including health care practitioners, the prospect provokes a feeling of abandonment. “I can’t imagine what it’s like, on top of a terminal illness, to think I’m dying and I have no one,” said Sarah Cross, an assistant professor of palliative medicine at Emory University School of Medicine.
Cross’ research shows that more people die at home now than in any other setting. While hundreds of hospitals have “No One Dies Alone” programs, which match volunteers with people in their final days, similar services aren’t generally available for people at home.
A bigger problem is caring for those without family support before they die. Death does not always come quickly. People often linger for years in various stages of disability and infirmity. Death is the end but dying is the real problem:
Without reliable people around to assist terminally ill adults, there’s also an elevated risk of self-neglect and deteriorating well-being. Most seniors don’t have enough money to pay for assisted living or help at home if they lose the ability to shop, bathe, dress, or move around the house.
While Medicare pays for hospice services, it does not pay for homecare for months on end prior to death. One result is that many seniors will end up dying in hospitals rather than at home (costing Medicare large sums) because they simply do not have the support system to end their days on their own terms, in their own beds. They may not be technically alone, but neither are hospitals a wonderful place to die.
Whether you ultimately die surrounded by friends and family is less of a concern than whether you languish, whither away and finally die in squalor because you lack the essential resources to manage your final illness. That is something more Americans should plan for.
KFF: An Age-Old Fear Grows More Common: ‘I’m Going To Die Alone’