I previously wrote about adult offspring increasingly becoming estranged from parents they believe to be toxic. TikTok is awash in videos about cutting off parents. Some TikTok therapists even counsel followers (viewers) on how to sever ties with parents. According to the Wall Street Journal:
Some 10% of the U.S. population is estranged from a parent or a child at any given time, according to research by Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist and professor of human development at Cornell. With rising tensions over politics and social issues, he says more such schisms are likely.
It’s more common for children to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers, according to a 2022 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Yet mothers often struggle more with it—even to the point of feeling existential angst—because they tend to identify more closely than fathers with being a parent, Pillemer says.
Some estranged parents are pushing back against what they perceive to be unreasonable demands from their kids that led to estrangement. A support group community has sprung up on TikTok, Instagram and elsewhere, where estranged parents can commiserate with others sharing the same fate. One prominent refrain:
…It’s not always the parents’ fault. Yes, there are abusive parents with children who are correct in cutting them off, she says, but there are also well-meaning and loving parents who are unjustly hurt. Rather than wait around for crumbs from their children, parents should get on with their lives.
The posts on unfair parental estrangement struck a nerve and responses were immediate.
Estranged parents shared their stories in the comment sections of Wellington’s posts and thanked her for making them feel less lonely. Commenters estranged from their parents furiously told her what they thought she’d done wrong—perhaps because they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell their own parents.
Each family dynamic is different and each situation is unique. Some parents were (are) abusive. Some parents were stressed and took it out on their kids. Yet, it is also not too difficult to think of adult offspring acting like spoiled children, begging for dream weddings, down payments for unaffordable homes, continued support long after they are expected to be self-sufficient. What started out as a single TikTok post has evolved into virtual meetings and an online support group. Some mothers believe that unethical armchair therapists turned their children against them for TikTok views. Most believe there was no valid reason for the estrangement. Sometimes the estrangement was initiated by a parent, tired of verbal and emotional abuse from their offspring. The enthusiastic responses from estranged parents resulted in a cottage industry of social media advisors dishing out advice.
Williams, who lives in suburban Atlanta, has drawn more than 200,000 followers on social media, self-published two books and launched a coaching business for estranged parents. In videos, she criticizes therapists who encourage parents to capitulate to their children, addresses the pain of moms who are cut off from their grandchildren, critiques estranged offspring for holding their parents to an “unimaginable” standard of perfection and preaches caution to parents looking to reconcile.
“Heal yourself first,” she says.
Yet, some parents look back and recognize they are the problem or at least share some responsibility. It is probably rare that one party is solely the cause of estrangement. A little introspection is beneficial. Some of the best nuggets of wisdom are in the comment section of the WSJ article. One man suggested airing your family’s dirty laundry is unlikely to help. Another suggested, “do the work” i.e., examine your parental shortcomings to assess your share in the blame. Others were more pragmatic, saying adult offspring should view their parents as they are (imperfect individuals), not superhuman beings like they would like them to be. Perhaps the next evolution will be social media arbitrators who mediate disputes between adult offspring and their parents.
Online support groups are yet another example of Internet social media being used in group therapy and support groups. Social media is also likely the cause of more people officially cutting off family members rather than merely avoiding them or wondering if their feelings of abuse are normal.
The article is worth reading WJ: These Moms Are Done Being ‘Doormats’ for Their Estranged Children.